by Carolyn Lawrence.
During February we mark Valentine’s Day, an occasion to celebrate relationships, and also for some retailers to make a lot of money! Relationships of all kinds are vitally important and they all take working at – whether that be in a marriage, a parent/child bond, a friendship, with a neighbour, work colleague or relationships within a church.
Relationships can be difficult and cause a lot of worry and stress in our lives. Not everyone is easy to get on with – especially in our families! A woman testified to the transformation in her life since she had been a Christian. She declared, ‘I’m so glad I’m a Christian now. I have an uncle I used to hate so much that I vowed I would never go to his funeral. But now, why, I’d be happy to go to his funeral any time!’
As we draw closer to Jesus we should find that it has an impact on our relationships with others.
Every one of us is wronged at some point in different ways and all of us will have done something to upset someone else and it is important to learn how to deal with these offences as they arise so that they don’t destroy us and our relationships.
There are of course different levels of offence and they often need to be dealt with in different ways. Some minor offences such as when someone cuts in front of us in a queue or forgets to respond to one of our messages can easily be shrugged off, but other offences are harder to deal with. Indeed some injustices, which thankfully may be rarer, are so life shattering that we may need support through prayer and counselling over time to come to terms with what has happened.
However, most of the legitimate hurts we experience can be resolved if we have a will to bring healing and peace in our relationships. Unresolved relational rifts and breakdowns can make life complicated. I grew up in a family that was always arguing and falling out with each other and it was very stressful trying to remember who was talking to who and who we were meant to be avoiding!
Dealing with issues can be hard but in the long run it makes life simpler and brings us peace. Jesus, as always, gives good advice about how to act when someone has wronged us in Matthew 18: 15-17 (NIV).
‘If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.’
We learn from this passage that if we have an issue with someone we should do five things:
- Go (don’t ignore it)
- Go alone (don’t gossip)
- Go to reconcile (in love and peace not to vent anger)
- Go now (as soon as possible)
- Let it go (Romans 12:18 (NIV) ‘If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone’. If the person refuses to be reconciled, give it to God)
So much hearsay, gossip and bad feelings within relationships, families and churches could be avoided if this wise advice was followed and some of the issues between us were resolved face to face.
I wonder if there is there someone you need to go and talk to today about a legitimate hurt? Maybe God is calling you to be reconciled to someone who has hurt you or maybe you need to go to someone to apologise for a hurt you have caused to them?
Building good relationships takes commitment from each one of us to refrain from negative speaking (in person or on social media), to refuse to listen to negative speaking from others, to refuse to be easily offended by things others may say or do that we don’t like and to work together to be gracious, merciful and tolerant of each other.
My prayer is that, with God’s help, we will each do everything in our power to live at peace with one another and to be peacemakers amongst our friends, families, communities and churches. As the saying goes, ‘May there be peace on earth, and may it begin with me.’
Theology Everywhere 
“Retailers make a lot of money”. Would you rather they didn’t, and then couldn’t pay their staff?
LikeLike
This is all I got this morning, George!
But I have the Contemplative Prayer Group AND the window cleaner arriving this morning so shall try again at lunchtimeâ¦..
Josie
Sent from my iPad
>
LikeLike
Second attempt this afternoon came in words rather than the code in which it arrived on my screen earlier today. Much more helpful! I don’t know what happened this morning. I did nothing between my two attempts to read T.E., and my note to our Moderator was not intended to appear as a comment.
I do so agree with you, Carolyn – but how do we set about translating it into political terms? How put right all the wrongs of history? Just voting in elections seems insufficient, and many countries actively discourage alternative views anyway.
Yes, I write to the people in power – but are they really in power?
We are all one human race, it’s God’s world, but we constantly kill other human beings like ourselves over disputed bits of it.
Why?
I loved the humour of your story in the second paragraph, incidentally.
LikeLike
The guidelines for reconciliation make good sense if you are dealing with reasonable, compassionate people. But problems arise when those who have sinned against us will not acknowledge that they have done anything wrong, and do not want to hear how you feel. Fortunately, in my situation, I can skip to step 5 and not let the past spoil the present or the future. A few years back I read ‘The Art of Letting Go’ by Russel Williams, which has been a Godsend to me. We can forgive, even when reconciliation is not an option.
LikeLike
Sorry, I just looked up the book again and realised it was called ‘Not I, not other than I.’
And yes, Russel is spelt with only one ‘l’.
LikeLike
Relationships are complex, and often not easy, I come from a family who bear grudges big time ( well some of them), it was not unusual for some of my aunts and uncles to refuse to speak for years, then suddenly they would be speaking, often to the cost of another family member, but during the silent times there was no door held open for any attempt at reconciliation. I experience this in my life, my response is to hold open the door that I can hold open, and to do so prayerfully, and hopefully, but it is costly.
Josie spoke about politics and the wider picture, putting right the wrongs of history, which of course are even more complex, I guess the key is to be open, to be willing to say my people held the power and we abused it, and yes while we can express our views through voting, there is a need for more, recently I have found Al Barrett and Ruth Harley’s book “Being Interrupted” very helpful, it looks at power imbalances and stereotypes and asks us to own who we are and our attitudes accordingly. They go on to use gospel accounts to help us to deal with our own prejudices. Once again this is costly because it demands that we move beyond our comfort zones, but maybe that is what relationships are ultimately about!
LikeLike
In Matthew’s “five point plan” for dealing with broken relationships he ends with the final solution – “Treat them as a pagan or a tax gatherer”. This of course is unacceptable, unforgiving and victimises pagans and tax gatherers. I much prefer the idea of “giving it to God”. However this raises another problem for me – what do I/we mean by “giving it to God”? In counselling the language has to be inclusive and secular. The accepted strategy is to suggest that the client acts as if the broken relationship can be forgotten or repaired – and in time it will be! And in my experience this works! Does asifness work because it implies a new start, a resurrection even? Is “asifness” the way the Holy Spirit brings love into our hearts? Could it be that the event of acting as if the relationship is repaired is in fact the same thing as “giving it to God”?
LikeLike
The way I understand ‘give it to God’ is simply to stop trying to steer the situation one way or another, but to let life (or God) determine the outcome. Or, in the words of Paul McCartney:
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, ‘Let it be.’
LikeLike
Sorry to go on, but is there not a conflict between “give it to God” “Let it be” or passivity, and the admonition that we proactively love and forgive our “enemies”? Best I can come up with is that God forgives and forgets, but expects us to forgive and yet remember, and deal with the situation. What do you think?
LikeLike
I don’t agree that God expects us to remember. In a reading I heard yesterday there was a verse ‘Love does not keep a record of wrongs’ or words to that effect (1 Corinthians 13)
I’m sure God wouldn’t want us to remember offences just so we can use that memory as a stick to beat people with. We don’t have a delete button on our memories, but surely in this case, forgetting means letting go, and leaving the hurt in the past?
LikeLike
Yes, I see your point but I think it is necessary to lock up criminals, paedophiles etc and give them a police record. We have to do this sometimes to protect the innocent – at least while they are serving time. To my mind this is forgiving, but remembering the offence.
LikeLike
Aah, I see what you mean in regard to criminal offences. I was thinking more of personal hurts. Thank you for clarifying.
LikeLike