by Jo Cox-Darling.
I found myself inadvertently attending the steering group of a Public Health roundtable on end of life care, death, and dying – seeking a community-wide, holistic development of bereavement resilience.[1]
I was asked, if as a society, each community is prepared to help by, ‘people being ready, willing and confident to have conversations about living and dying well and to support each other in emotional and practical ways’ – then what part might the church play in that?
I left wondering what a bereavement resilient church might look like – as a ‘church’ we are both a community venue, and a group of faithful, broken, volunteers, seeking glimpses of God in the shards of life. Over the last 2 years, I’ve been using a community organising change methodology to explore this.[2] Having listened to professionals and the community at large, a group of grief-experienced volunteers have built a suite of resources available to the whole community.
The Theos research into death and dying concludes:
‘In a modern and pluralistic society, the Church is rightly one of many voices in this conversation, but it is well-placed to make a positive and much-needed contribution – not only because of its practical assets and historical engagement in this area, but also because of its continued theological witness […] The interplay of grief and hope in Christian theology also holds space for the many complex emotions people feel as they face dying and bereavement – and ultimately, gives theological voice to our intuition that grief is really about love.’
The space provided by death to forge meaning-filled connections with people is one of brokenness, vulnerability, raw emotions, curiosity, kindness, and trauma: the very places that Jesus was to be found. We pressed into the question of what it means to be a bereavement confident church, a place which offers death-confidence and open-hearted compassion to all.
In our local situation where the Church now has little part to play in the rituals of death, (funerals are largely taken by celebrants) we noticed that there remains opportunity for relationship building which goes far deeper, and lasts much longer, than the funeral planning itself.
In partnership with our local hospice, we learned about the ‘Death Café’ movement, which helps people become informed about end of life, death, and bereavement care.[3] We heard their firsthand experience of attempting to pilot something in our village – the negative response being so damaging that the entire campaign was cancelled.
People don’t like talking about death.
People don’t mind talking about health and wellbeing, though – so we hosted the Primary Care Trust’s annual wellbeing roadshow…on the theme of bereavement. This was a cross-sector, open event, including contributions from anyone involved in death, dying, and bereavement care. The church worked hard to be a safe, hospitable place. We built trust in both people and the church as a community venue – which led to memorial services with local funeral directors, other PCT themed roadshows, and the beginning of a wellbeing hub outside of clinical spaces.
We also reviewed our own funeral care and memorial service provision. We researched what other churches offered, audited of all of the poems and music used in funeral services, and posed the question ‘what do you wish you knew about planning a funeral?.’ As a result, we:
- Produced a booklet of prayers and poems entitled ‘The Gift of Grief.’
- Collated resources from organisations, making them available around our buildings.[4]
- Our craft group began crocheting Forget-Me-Not brooches[5] for memorial, and prayer shawls for healing.[6]
- A memory tree is available at the village Christmas fayre for the names of those loved and lost, which are then presented at…
- … a memorial service using a Blue Christmas theme.
- Christmas cards are sent to every bereaved family.
We asked social prescribers, public health, and the Integrated Care Board what it would look like if our volunteers became amongst the most trusted bereavement self-care specialists in the area. As a result, we were asked to start a bereavement café that others could refer folks to, and we now run a weekly drop-in café with peer to peer support.
Around the same time, a young adult in the community died, raising questions for many about the power of prayer, the existence of God, and the ‘right’ way to respond to the family in their grief and trauma.
The volunteer leaders realised that if they were to be resilient, they needed two things…
- to be supported to do their own bereavement work, before they could offer support to others. We engaged with The Bereavement Journey,[7] and have courses to support people taking their next steps in the grief journey.
- some basic training in bereavement support, which we sourced through Care for the Family’s Bereavement Care Awareness training.
The circuit meeting has requested all local church councils to consider committing to the Bereavement Friendly Charter[8] and to embed their own practices in a shared and strategic fashion: so that the Methodist Church becomes a place of inclusion, justice, growth, and connection for all who have been bereaved.
Finally, using the resources of AtALoss, we have also engaged in political action, writing to our MPs to support the Early Day Motion – which has led to the All-Party Consultation on Death, Dying and Bereavement – bringing the experience of death and dying to the heart of government policy making.[9]
In Lent, we are reminded that we are but dust, and to dust we will return.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
At Easter, we know that death is not the end of the story, and that the world can change because of, not despite, our experience.
If we can get our care and compassion right for the community, building bereavement resilience, perhaps we can be more deeply resourced for those moments of death and resurrection within our property and policy making – as well as within the precious lives of our people.
[1] ‘Ambitions for Palliative and End of Life Care: A national framework for local action 2021-2026’, National Palliative and End of Life Care Partnership, https://www.england.nhs.uk/publication/ambitions-for-palliative-and-end-of-life-care-a-national-framework-for-local-action-2021-2026/
[2] https://www.corganisers.org.uk/what-is-community-organising/our-framework/
[4] This includes The Good Grief Trust, National Bereavement Association, National Association of Funeral Directors, At A Loss, and the Local Health Authority.
[5] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvOyZaB-H6A
[6] https://www.shawlministry.com/
[7][7] https://www.thebereavementjourney.org/
[8] https://www.lossandhope.org/app/uploads/2022/04/BFC-Charter-1.pdf
Theology Everywhere 
Amazingly wonderful, thank you.
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